How to Manage Geeks

If you manage Geeks long enough, you will eventually have to do some kind of server upgrade or install over the course of a weekend.  These upgrades and installs usually do not go well.  And when things don’t go well, there will be a massive conference call with all sorts of people on the phone. You will be expected to decide whether to continue with the upgrade, or roll it back.  I’ll explain what “roll it back” means later.

Here is how to handle the situation.  First, let the Alpha Geek do all the talking, he will explain the problem and spell out the consequences.  To sound important, interrupt him often and ask him to elaborate.  You will probably not understand anything he or she says, don’t panic.  Then ask other people what they think.  This will sound like you are actually weighing your options.  Then, when everyone is done talking, call your boss and have the Alpha Geek explain it all again.  Then let your boss make the decision of whether to continue or roll it back.

On Monday, you can then go to your boss and roll a random Geek under the bus.  The nice thing about managing Geeks, your boss doesn’t understand them either.

I am often asked this question.  “Harvey, how do I know if my Team Lead is a Geek or Nerd?”  There is a simple formula for figuring that out:

Geek = Nerd + Sarcasm

I hope this helps.

Every once in a while you’ll have a Geek confide in you that he or she doesn’t hate Microsoft all that much.  They’ll say they don’t mind Sharepoint, or something called “dot net”.  When that happens, know this, that Geek is doomed.  You can be sure the other Geeks in the gaggle have sniffed this out, they can sense when one of their own has a secret affection to Microsoft.  It’s like when whales know another whale is sick.  Except instead of swimming around and singing to the sick whale, they secretly make fun of it and think it wants to become middle management.  This Geek has no support amongst the other Geeks and it’s best to avoid them.

A happy Geek is a productive Geek!  There are many little things you can do that will make your Geeks happy, productive and docile.  You should let your Geeks point their monitors AWAY from the cubicle door.  That way every time you walk into their cubes you don’t have to pretend neither of you noticed the quick sounds of <alt> <tab>.  Or the furtive flash of Wil Wheaton’s blog on the screen, really, it’s embarrassing for BOTH of you…

If you are new to managing Geeks, then you could be alarmed about the Mountain Dew consumption. Cans, bottles and two liters will be downed like some Coney Island contest. Here are some things to consider about Mountain Dew:

1.) Don’t throw anything Mountain Dew related away. That pile of cans in their cubicle could very well be decorations. It’s how they mark their territory.

2.) Don’t stroll out of your office and ask if anyone needs some coffee. You drink coffee, they drink Mountain Dew.

3.) Want to be hated? Never bring in some Mountain Dew for your Geeks. Want to be treated indifferently? Bring in some Mountain Dew for your Geeks.

4.) Code Red and regular Mountain Dew are different. Let me put it in terms you’ll understand, one is a Chardonnay, the other is a Merlot. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which is which.

5.) If you see a Geek drinking Diet Mountain Dew, go out of your way to openly ridicule that Geek. You’ll score a few points with the fat Geeks, and they are usually the better programmers.

The best Business Analysts are the ones that aren’t quite Geeks, but can speak Geek and even blend into Geek culture undetected for brief periods.  Maybe they were raised by Geeks, maybe their brother or sister were Geeks, or maybe they are athletic, good looking types who are secret Geeks.  Either way, you need the person that can tell you the difference between BSG and Stargate at a cocktail party while drinking scotch, wearing a tie and not at all appearing ironic.

Resist the temptation to make a Geek a Business Analyst.  Finding the Geek that you can trust, alone, in a conference room with the VP from accounting is like finding a Unicorn.  I mean a real Unicorn, not the one airbrushed next to a wolf on some Geek’s sweatshirt.